You can buy stupidity by the pound.

 Here's a tighter, more humorous version that keeps your Appalachian "whistledick" theme while making the punchline land a little harder.

I woke up this morning wondering about a word I first heard growing up back in the West Virginia hills: whistledick.

Curiosity got the better of me, so I looked it up. Depending on where you ask, a whistledick is someone who's simple-minded, not especially bright, or easily led around by the nose.

That got me thinking about local politics.

If you're looking for whistledicks, the local Tea Party seems to have an abundant supply. Around here, our own Three Stooges could qualify for honorary memberships.

According to the Payson Roundup, the Three Stooges have raised about 19 times more campaign money than the ordinary citizens running for town council. That's an interesting number.

It raises a fair question: Where did all that money come from?

The whistledick crowd is always eager to tell us that George Soros is secretly financing every protest, every rally, and every political opponent they don't like. They see Soros behind every bush.

Fine. If that's the standard, then it's fair to ask who's financing the local operation.

Because campaign money doesn't magically appear.

So here's my question: Who is paying for stupidity by the pound?

If your goal is sharper political satire, I can also make it funnier with more Appalachian expressions while keeping it focused on the campaign finance theme rather than the insult itself.