Trump wiping supplies

Trump-Branded Toilet Paper: Finally, a Product That Really Gets to the Bottom of Things

America can finally breathe a sigh of relief. After years of debate, drama, indictments, impeachments, rallies, counter-rallies, speeches, and tweets, a product has arrived that unites the country in one simple, universal human experience:

Toilet paper.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Trump-branded toilet paper is now a thing. And somehow, it feels… inevitable.

Let’s be honest: if any modern political figure was destined to end up on a roll, it was Donald Trump. The man has put his name on steaks, vodka, a university, casinos, bottled water, NFTs, and a golden sneaker collection. Toilet paper was the one remaining frontier—the final square on the American bingo card.

Features of Trump Toilet Paper (as imagined by Kadizzle Industries)

• Two-ply “Executive Privilege” softness
Absorbs anything—except responsibility.

• Extra-long rolls
Because the legal paperwork never ends.

• Guaranteed not to flush properly
Just like every scandal.

• Comes pre-loaded with alternative facts
Each sheet contradicts the last one.

• Now available in “Nuclear Documents Beige”
A color inspired by Mar-a-Lago’s most mysterious storage closet.

User Reviews (totally trustworthy)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “Finally, a product that speaks my language.” — Person at a rally waving a toilet brush.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “Best use of his image to date.” — Every late-night comedian.

⭐️⭐️⭐️☆☆ “Clogs my plumbing, but so does everything else from this guy.” — Arizona homeowner, location withheld

The Marketing Campaign Practically Writes Itself

Imagine the ads:

“When things get messy… use the brand that’s been cleaning up headlines for years.”

or

“Strong enough for your toughest job, yet soft enough for fragile egos.”

or even

“Make America Wipe Again.”

Somewhere, a Madison Avenue marketing executive is crying tears of joy.

A Unifying Product at Last

Regardless of your politics—even if you’ve sworn off the news entirely—Trump toilet paper provides something rare:

Complete bipartisan agreement on its ideal use.

And in today’s America, that might be the most patriotic thing imaginable.

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